CAFÉ RACER 76

Perhaps you already have an appropriate costume in your closet – but what should you park on your drive to scare away the trick-or-treaters before they make it to your door? Here are the 10 most horrible cars in history…

Dartz Prombron Black Shark: Defender from the Apocalypse

The ‘Black Shark’ might be ungainly, but you won’t be complaining when it shields you from the Apocalypse. Built in Russia, the Dartz Motorz (sic) SUVs were given a Hollywood endorsement when Bruce Willis drove one in the 2013 film A Good Day to Die Hard.

Rinspeed Bedouin Concept: Eggcellent idea in principle

In 2003, Rinspeed designer Frank M. Rinderknecht cooked up an intelligent, variable-space shooting brake concept based on the Porsche 996 Turbo. He clearly loved the ‘fried egg’ headlamps so much that he decided to apply the theme to the car’s body panels too. Shame they were rotten.

1957 Aurora: Religious righteousness; molten mess

Despite looking like a melted yank tank that swallowed a Lancia Fulvia whole, the 1957 Aurora concept had a saving grace: it was intended to be one of the first experimental safety vehicles, the brainchild of a Catholic priest (you couldn't make this stuff up). Except that didn’t save it – thankfully, only one was ever built.

Grave Digger: Expendable body parts

First appearing in the 1980s, Dennis Anderson’s Grave Digger has since become one of the most famous monster trucks, siring no fewer than 29 descendants. Many of these are still in service – but the original is on display in the ‘Digger’s Dungeon’, which has body parts (its own) hanging from the ceiling.

Panoz Abruzzi: Greedy goblin

Supported by his father Don (a chain-smoking millionaire nicotine mogul), Danny Panoz created a loud-mouthed supercar capable not only of simultaneously inhaling four pumpkins – but also relieving 81 buyers of half a million dollars each.

Maybach Exelero Concept: The devil works fast

Perhaps not ugly, but certainly evil-looking, the 2005 Maybach Exelero was a high-speed test car built for tyre manufacturer Fulda to shake down a new generation of rubber. It was capable of almost 220mph, but could scare the wits out of witnesses while stationary.

Packard Twelve Concept: A breaker's dozen

Appearing to have taken moustache-grooming tips from Charlie Chaplin (or…), the four-eyed Packard Twelve concept was intended to be the American company’s luxury saloon of the New Millennium. The only explanation for it being allowed to reach the public eye is that the approval board must have been drunk with pre-recession power, but thankfully they had sobered up before a decision to put it into production could be made.

Weber Sportscars Faster One: Tested in a tunnel, designed in the dark

Independent Swiss manufacturer Weber Sportscars perhaps proved best that form should not blindly follow function. Luckily, founder Roman Weber realised how eye-wateringly ugly the car was, and returned more recently with a marginally less offensive design.

Sbarro Monster G: Cleared for the one-way runway

At the 1987 Geneva Motor Show, Franco Sbarro introduced a quirky (read: queasy) Swiss alternative to the German G-Wagen. Sporting a 6.9-litre Mercedes V8 and wheels from a Boeing 747 (yes, really), the resulting ‘Monster G’ mercifully flew off into the sunset, never to be seen again.

Marussia B2: Cold and uninviting

A year before acquiring its ill-fated Formula 1 team, Moscow-based Marussia Motors blessed us with the B2 supercar, which had a six-cylinder engine from British specialist Cosworth. Shame the design wasn’t outsourced, too.

Photos: Dartz Motorz, Rinspeed, Peter Vann, Panoz Motors, Daimler, RM Auctions, Weber Sportscars, Marussia Motors

by Scott in Flat Tracker

One of the biggest revivals happening at the moment in the motorcycle scene is vintage flat track racing. Events like Dirt Quake, Hell on Wheels, Dirty Sunday and Australia’s up and coming Sunday Slide are bringing this sport back to a wider audience. Sure, most of these races aren’t very serious, but they are introducing riders to a sport that hasn’t been very accessible to those without a healthy budget. But the main reason these events are being held is that it’s hard to have more fun on two wheels. Let’s be honest, there’s nothing like getting sideways around a corner on a dirt track for the first time.

Last month, Dirty Slide was held by Activa Classic Bike Garage on a grass track in Gers, France. Ironically, this place is famous for its foie gras, but we’re pretty sure the riders were only eating dirt and grass. Looks like there was a great mix of motorcycles racing from dirt bikes, customs, choppers, sliders and even a few sidecars getting sideways.

The event went all day and ended up going well into the night with the ‘ring of fire’ being set up and the adventurous (or the most drunk) took their bikes to the air like flying French Evel Kneivels. Joie de vivre.

There’s still time to register for Sunday Slide this Sunday in Newcastle, Australia. Send us an email if you are interested in registering. All classic-styled bikes welcome. Animal suits optional.

[Photographs by the talented David Marvier]