By JON GAFFNEY from Gear Patrol
Around the country, where people can’t easily access a natural body of water, they’ll flock to fake ones for some relaxation, fun, and relief from the heat. This is the seasonal blessing and curse of the fortunate few who own — or have access to — a pool. If you fall into this category and are already bemoaning your hosting duties to come, may we remind you of the wise words of “Uncle” Ben Parker Voltaire, “with great power comes great responsibility”. Think that bowl of corn chips (“but they’re restaurant style!”) and playing some Jimmy Buffet from your puny laptop speakers answers the call? You are woefully mistaken.
It’s time to take your waterside shindigs to another plane. What we’re talking about is the kind of event that’ll haunt Charlie Sheen’s dreams and leave the neighborhood gabbing for decades. Your supply list is ready. Just add hundreds of your closest friends, several college cheerleading squads for good measure and a few ATM trips’ worth of dead presidents.
Tervis Tumbler
There is nothing worse than diving in the pool (only if it’s safe to do so; pool bottoms always win), and coming out a half hour later to a disgustingly warm drink. Since 1946, Tervis tumblers have been solving this common plight with a double-walled construction that keeps your social lubricant frosty. Each is made in ‘Murica at Tervis’s North Venice plant. We recommend getting the 16-ounce tumbler so you can properly hold a pint, and be sure to get the add-on handle for a solid grip while you’re in the shallow end, lounging.
Giant Floating Ride-on Alligator
You’ll need a new one every year, and possibly every pool party depending on how seriously you take your Steve Irwin impression. Dolphins, sharks, seahorses, ducks and killer whales are other options that might tempt you from the shelves. Don’t give in, unless the alternative is noodles. No one likes to see a grown man grinding a giant neon tube between his legs.
Ecoxgear Ecoxbt Bluetooth Floating Speaker
No music, no party, as far as we’re concerned. Your outdoor home theater monitors will have the dance party set covered, but poolside, this ECOXGEAR ECOXBT Bluetooth Floating Speaker is your best bet. It’s completely waterproof, floats, and anyone can link up to it with their smartphone and play DJ for a bit.
Floating Pong Tiki Table
You retired your throwing arm years ago for good reason. Beirut (also known by its Latin name, beer pong) should rarely leave the grounds of a college campus. Aquatic festivities are a possible exception. With holes for either 10 or 6 Solo cups, ball holders and a surface you can actually bounce on, the Tiki Table has everything you need to keep people partying. We suggest water pong for a lager-free pool.
Wet Products Smash Ball Paddle Ball Set
Paddle Ball is a summertime staple. You can play it with a drink in your hand, and it’s a great excuse to pair off with someone you’d like to know better. Save your Nadal serves for the courts — welting your partner isn’t the way to her heart.
GOING RATHER THAN HOSTING? BRING THIS
Westward Leaning Color Revolution Sunglasses
The sacred duties of sunglasses are threefold: protecting the ole baby blues, looking cool and keeping your wandering eyes hidden. Westward Leaning’s Color Revolution shades are a classic Wayfarer-esque frame made from 8mm Mazuchelli acetate (most sunglasses are made from cheaper polycarbonate, or from 4-6mm acetate). An acetate frame also has the ability to conform to your uniquely shaped dome; the stems can be bent to your preferred fit with the help of a hairdryer. The lenses are mirrored blue, bringing back fond memories of the ’80s. Combined with the tortoise-shell frames, they toe the line between classic and fun. $180 | Topo Designs Cinch Tote
You could opt to haul your clothes to and from the party in a backpack, but only if you’re ready to be asked how summer school is going. It’s time for a tote. The Topo Designs Cinch Tote is made in the U.S. from 1000D Cordura, which will hold up against the most abrasive poolside patio you toss it onto. It has nearly 20 liters of capacity, and the cinch top keeps errant cannonball splashes from frying your Kindle. It’d be a shame if you couldn’t get yoursummer reading done. Not that’ll you have time for that anyway. $89 |
Ralph Lauren Beach Towel
A good beach towel is an investment. A crappy one will cost you less, but your dermis will pay the price every time you need to dry off. Ralph Lauren makes great high-quality linens; this beach towel is made from 100% plush cotton terry to baby your skin whether you’re drying off or just laying out. At 70 x 40 inches, it provides more than enough square footage for a poolside nap. $87 | Sperry Men’s Boat Lite 2-Eye
You may not spend your summers on a Yacht in the Mediterranean like the party host, but that shouldn’t dissuade you from including a little nautical swagger in your look. Boat shoes of all stripes, colors and makes will suffice — but these new takes from Sperry boast a modern pop of color without going full-blown country club. They’re also 30% lighter than traditional boaters, a serious advantage when rushing to the aid of a single guest in search of a volleyball teammate. $95 |
Cinebox Home 16 x 9 System
The pool may be the main event, but projecting a continuous stream of Rick Ross videos in the background will absolutely help the vibe. Open Air Cinema’s 16 x 9-foot system is an easy solution for projecting video content for up to 250 of your closet groupies to gather ’round. Kits include a rugged outdoor audio visual console capable of HD and 3D as well as speakers, but the real kicker is an inflatable screen that’s easy to set up (even five daiquiris in) thanks to the provided stakes, tethers and air blower.
U.S. Cooler Brew Cave
According to Brew Cave’s website, U.S. Cooler’s product is “the largest kegerator on the residential market”. This anti-panic room is designed to hold over 30 cases of beer and up to six kegs. One keg can be connected to the external tap for on-demand draft beer. Once you (finally) run out of beer, think of it as summer’s answer to the sauna. Why it belongs at your shindig is pretty obvious.
The Daiquiri Whacker
Blend frozen concoctions anywhere you damn well please with redneck flair thanks to this gas-powered monstrosity. The speed adjusts with a simple twist of the grip throttle, just like riding a motorcycle, minus the chance of death by tree bear hug. No matter how crazy things get, though, always keep the lid on. (Then again, a daiquiri fountain rivaling the Bellagio’s could be just what the after party needs.)
AquaClimb Sport
Rockwall climbing, poolside. It’s the kind of stuff that makes life insurers cringe. Aqua Climb makes a variety of “walls” for residential purposes, but you want the sport model, designed for large recreational facilities — like the kind found on state college campuses. It’s more imposing (and impressive) and gives you plenty of height to show off just how dedicated you’ve been at the gym. Never mind how deep your pool actually is.
Corkcicle Chillsner
The drafts from your Brew Cave should satisfy the bulk of your guest list, but there will invariably be one guy who won’t stoop to anything less than the Trappist monk import he brought on his own. The Corkcicle Chillsner is an ingenious device to keep any open bottle cool longer after it’s left the protective custody of the fridge. And yes, guests can still sip their beer while it cools.
Loll Designs Adirondack Rocker
Two of America’s favorite lazy seats spliced into one genius chair. It also comes with an installed stainless steel bottle opener below the sitter’s right arm. There goes your reason to get up.
Dedon NestRest Hanging Lounger
You’ll need to take a break from hosting duties now and again to relax. Think of the Dedon Nest Rest as your own personal trust tree. Its plush, cushioned interior holds two loungers comfortably and allows those inside to see out while preventing peepers from looking in. Hang it under your favorite piece of shade or use the base for a free-standing hut. Hefner’s grotto will have nothing on your VIP party either way.
Oborain Pre-Fab Outdoor Shower
There was no way you could account for the sheer scale of your raging in your original house planning; you’re justifiably worried about your master bathroom sanctuary being trampled. Luckily, Oborain’s pre-fab showers look great and are easily installed. Multiple sizes are available depending on your group cleansing preferences.
The Frontiersman 30-inch Trailer by Yoder Smokers
This trailer-mounted rig inspires awe from competitive BBQers and packs enough surface area to grill for the entire U.S. Navy. Yoder will also completely customize it your specifications with up to three doors. Feeding people won’t be an issue — if you can finding someone capable of manning this beast.
